So, it’s midnight .. I should be asleep, but I’m up… thinking. About a lot. As usual. Listening to music.
I’m thinking about how I wish I could go back to being a kid at times. Or teenager. Either, or. That little shy girl at John Muir Elementary School that kept to herself. That little preteen at Park Middle School who walked around clutching her composition book full of fashion sketches and rhymes. Dreams of becoming a fashion designer and the hottest female emcee. I wanted to be the female Twista, ha. Admired how fast he could spit. Yeah.. I didn’t really have a care in the world as far as school at the time, because it seemed as if getting good grades came naturally to me. Honor Roll. Everyone always thought I was so smart. The smart, quiet girl. The only thing I really had to “stress” about was staying on top of my chores.
Now, I’m in college.
And life is hard.
I’m not that little preteen that I once was.
And although I still haven’t experienced much, I’m much more mature.
Not that maturity always comes with getting older.
But you know..it came with me.
I never thought it to be possible for someone my age to stress so much.
One of my problems is that I tend to dwell on everything going on in my life at the moment.
Thing is, the bad just so happens to be outweighing the good right now.
I try to be positive.
I pray everyday, faithfully.
I feel like people are so quick to say, “Don’t worry, be happy”,
But unfortunately, it doesn’t come that easy to me.
If it did, things would be different.
I mean, I’m forever grateful for everything that God has blessed me with.
But things could be better.
Things should be better.
Especially for me.
Sometimes, I feel so lost and confused and alone that I don’t know what to do.
I’m such a good person, yet things never work out in my favor.
For what reason, I don’t know.
I always get the short end of the stick.
It seems like good things are always happening to people who aren’t even as half as grateful and as good of a person as I am.
I don’t know what’s up with that.
I’m just tired.
I need a break.
I’m not going to give up, though.
I just want to know when my time is going to come.